Arsenal or Super Eagles: Which is worse?

empexy confused

FYI: This article was written some months before the Super Eagles prove their critics (I was proudly one) wrong. We are proudly and deservedly AFRICAN CHAMPIONS now! :).

With all protocols duly observed, lets get reading 😀

“Gunners for life”!!! … Are you freaking kidding me??? Chant not that phrase at me anymore if you don’t want both hands of mine shoved down your throat. Ok, I’m kidding. But on a serious note, please don’t.

Sometimes, I ponder which is worse; being a supporter of Arsenal FC or of the Super Eagles (or Nigerian football in general). Both teams are high-end distributors of hypertension.

You know, growing up, I had no choice but to love football. I was born into a family where my father had so much passion for football; all I had to do was follow suit.

Once I became a lover of football, supporting Nigeria was no more a choice, it became an obligation.

I remember Atlanta 96 (Olympic Games), I and my Dad (funny enough, I’m the only one of 5 kids, who has love for football) stayed up all nights to see our games including the 4-3 defeat of Brazil in the semi-finals and later on Argentina in the Finals.

Those were however, some of the rare highlights of being a fan of Nigerian football as far as my age is concerned (not too old neither too young :D).

Further down memory lane, being a fan has had some exciting moments but it only gets worse as the years go by. Nigerian football (Under17, 20, 23; Super Eagles, Super Falcons, Falconets, Flamingos) has become a hyper-giving sport for passionate lovers of the game.

Well, the reason for decadence in Nigerian football is not farfetched as I wouldn’t expect much from a country with bad governance.

Arsenal Football Club are not far different from the Super Eagles. Both teams get your hopes so high and then dash them when you thought “this is it”. But the only major difference would be management.

You see, I became a fan of the North London Club by choice and it’s still by choice although I find it difficult bowing out (I perceive the use of voodoo a.k.a illuminatti syndrome).

How I got myself involved with this “next season” English club, is something I wouldn’t thank Nwankwo Kanu (the hero of Atlanta 96) for.

Nigerian football Legend, Kanu, made me like the Gunners. His miracle at Stamford Bridge against Chelsea FC in 1999 was the “liking point”.

The Gunners have had their own good spell of glorious moments. But just like Nigeria and every other team, they have also had their “blackouts”; with the blackouts steadily leading the contest.

Only just recently the North London side were treated to their regular eviction party as THEY (no more referring to them as WE) were bundled out of the Capital One Cup. Guess who knocked THEM out………..BRADFORD CITY!!! No disrespect to the Division II side though, but you would’ve expected a club like ARSENAL to make me proud. THEY never did.

Now the question on my mind is “being a fan of Arsenal, is it good or bad”?

The answer is………………….it is BAD!!!

I will start by pointing out the key features of this club or should I say what everyone has now known the club to be in the past 8 years, no thanks to the Frenchman, Arsene Wanker, sorry… I meant, Arsene Wenger.

Inconsistency: Ever pondered why a team would win a game by as much as 5, 6 goals and lose their next game with a dismal performance and not even to a better team? Ponder no more, it’s Arsenal. It’s become a trademark for the North London team. The Gunners are more confused than the wind or should I say MTN.

Please don’t let your life be that way. Be consistent in success. Yeah, they won 7-3 against Newcastle, good! Let’s pray they win their next match.

Trophy-less in 8 seasons: As an adult, living for eight years without achieving a single thing? Deliverance will be advised.

“Next season” chants: Arsenal fans are fond of the “next season” phrase. “Next season we will win a trophy”. That is something I call ”hopeful hopelessness”.

You expect things to change but you don’t change the way you do things…Are you a learner? What are you expecting… divine intervention right? Keep on waiting, it is coming.

Being contented with finishing second, third or fourth to the champion:

Wenger was quoted to have said that finishing fourth in the league and securing a Champions league spot is better than winning the league or FA cup. What the heck???

My brothers and sisters please reject that for your life. It is a loser’s spirit straight from the pit of hell. Why would you always want to walk in the shadows of a champion, don’t you ever want to be in that Hall of fame? Once again, bind and rebuke such spirit.

Buy inferior players and expect Messiless delivery from them:

For goodness sakes, Arsenal is the fifth richest football club in the world. THEY have the money to spend on Cristiano Ronaldo (including his manicure, pedicure and hair salon expenses) if they want to. But nooooo!!! They would rather buy a “Chinko blackberry and expect it to ping”.

In life, you are expected to always go for the best when the money is there. Imagine Dangote driving around in Gulf 2 (no offence to owners of that cool ride…Just an illustration) O_O.

Sell Gold and buy dozens of Copper:

Who does this better than Arsene Wanker?…sorry once again, I meant Arsene Wenger.

Everyman is expected to have a good taste for awesome things, but the North Londoners do exactly the opposite. They sell craftsmen and replace them with “make believe” craftsmen (Van Persie à Giroud; Nasri à Gervinho; Fabregas à Ramsey; Song àArteta; and many more).

There are other salient features of the Emirates Stadium club side but I’m done for now.

If you still deem it fit to be a true and passionate supporter, good luck! As for me I think I’ve had enough of their loser’s instincts.

And if you think the Club’s way of life is not affecting the way you reason, think again, because you need to start reasoning like a champion and not 2nd, 3rd, or 4th best to nobody.

I’m club-less (a lil bit attached to the ‘next season’ club though) for now…waiting for good offers.

However, I’ve been thinking Manchester City and Real Madrid. 😀

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MAD KING OF IJUDIYA

Mad King Of Ijudiya

So I came across this event coming up on the 29th and 30th 0f December, 2012.

Below are details:

From the producers of The Five Maids of Fadaka (a stage play which featured big Nollywood names like Nobert Young, Gloria Young, Bimbo Manuel, Rachel Oniga, Carol King and Iyke Ikechukwu among others) Thespian Family Theatre presents; Mad king of Ijudiya

Mad King of Ijudiya is a Christmas play with a difference. It is an adaptation of a Christmas story featuring a rich blend of folklore, traditional dance and music; transporting the audience to a typical African village setting.

The story is about an awed King – King Ero ba ni’se, the great King of Ijudiya, who in the discovery of a rival within his territory, ‘flips his lid’ completely and goes to an outrageous extent to prove that he is the one ordained by the gods to rule. Even more annoying to the King is the discovery that the new entrant on the scene is a mere child.

In order to eliminate the encroachment on his sovereignty by this rather strange opposition, Ero ba ni’se adopts different methods to get his competitor out of the way.

Nollywood stars to grace the stage include Joke Silva, Sequn Arinze, Gloria Young, Iyke Ikechukwu, Monalisa Chinda, Florence Uwaleke and many more.

Venue: Agip Hall, Muson Centre

FREE tickets will be given out on their Facebook page (facebook.com/thespianfamily) and Twitter account (@thespianfamily)

If you are a fan of theatre art and quality presentation or just a good fan of Nollywood, this is surely “The show” for you and your family.

If you are unlucky to win any of the free tickets, you can however purchase them at the following outlets:

E-Centre Ozone Cinema @ sabo

Muson Centre @ Onikan

Cinnamon Cafe @ Victoria Island

Glendora Bookshop @ Ikeja City Mall

Healthplus @ surulere, Ikeja City Mall and The Palms, Lekki

Jazzhole @ Awolowo Road Ikoyi

The Hub Media @ the Palms Lekki

Online purchase at http://www.thespianfamilytheatre.com

Lagos: a country in Nigeria

Okada-riders
What does the Chairman of Lagos State, Babatunde Raji Fashola, want for Lagosians? These days, his actions make me think that he doesn’t want many people in his domain.

Lagos as it is known, is that heart of commercialisation; every damn business that you can think of can be found here. It is a hustle state.

Many migrate from the thickest of all villages down here for greener pastures, which is ironic though, because the grass ain’t that greener here but either ways, they just prefer Lagos.

As a kid that didn’t grow up in Lagos, I heard stories of this populous city and imagined all sort of things. But on getting here, it’s been over 12 years now and honestly, life here is on the fast lane (high BP levels).

I’ve been to states like Owerri, Osun and I’d say that living there is worth every penny, as there are many unexploited opportunities. But no one cares mehn, Lagos is the way forward.

Having said so much, it seems the state government has seen the desperate heart of Lagos loving Nigerians and have decided to give people that second thought on why they migrate to the hustle state.

I may not know the “real” motive behind the registration and issuing of identity cards to Lagos inhabitants, which is to commence in 2013, but according to a report, it is aimed at “providing better governance and to control the influx of ILLEGAL CITIZENS”.

Illegal citizens? When did citizens of a country become illegal citizens of another state within the same country? Or is the state government trying to pass a coded message (go back to your villages)?

I accept that keeping track of the inhabitants of a state is a wonderful idea, as every advanced country does that. But is that what my dear state government should be worried about at this point in time? Have they finished providing for my basic needs (employment, light, security of life and property, shelter etc.)

Last year, the state government restricted the operation of commercial bikers from 8pm and that was backed up with the excuse that robbery cases have been facilitated by them. To me, it was a reasonable decision.
Just weeks ago, another law to totally ban these riders from major roads was implemented with no justification except for the clichéd robbery cases.

To what should I owe this law? Since its implementation, life in the state which has not been so easy, got worse. I mean, going out on a normal day without your own car, has gotten to the level of “fatigue” (the military meaning). Some okada riders who can’t afford to secure any other jobs, have been rendered jobless.

I would like to remind the state government that Section 41 of the 1999 Constitution states that, “Every citizen of Nigeria is entitled to move freely throughout Nigeria and to reside in any part thereof…”.

From the aforementioned section of the constitution, it is clear that okada riders and citizens are at freedom to move throughout a state/country. So it can be said that the ban is an infringement of rights.

Besides the ban on bikers and the soon to be introduced registration of citizens, Lagos has got more uniform men than Tolu Complex at Ajegunle. It’s like almost every offence you can think of has its own uniform men. LASTMA, VIO, Road Safety, KAI, LAWMA (yeah, they’ve got their own fair share of uniform power), the Men In Black (Police) etc. Are some of the uniform men operating in the hustle state. I even heard there are now anti one-way agents. O_o

Well, there’s nothing wrong with having too many security agents in a state, but the question is, how effective are they?

I know my dear governor wants the best for us but I would like him to calm down. He should look on the bright side of having lots of people in his state. Below are few of the numerous benefits;

— a hotspot for any business activity
— an investment haven for companies
— more people to pay tax, therefore generating more income, and many more…

Also, when the federal government is allocating money every month, he’ll get a bigger share, which we all know that not all the cash will be spent on the state ;). So why complain of immigrants? Just saying 😀

By the way, if the state government really needs to ban anything…why not touts/agberos. Thank you!

Education: a blessing or distraction?

Did you ever come across those complex signs called equations in the picture above? If you never did, count yourself lucky.

We all (mostly science students) encountered some frustrating moments (mathematics without application) in school, which made us ask one realistic question; “At what point in life will I use this maths?”

I do remember, a lecturer once told us that some of these maths were used in constructing bridges. Well, I never did agree because I was pretty sure that Julius Berger didn’t write any mathematical formula for the Eko bridge, neither was any written for the Third Mainland Bridge. If they did, please I would like to know.

Besides students going through lectures that might add nothing to their lives (e.g. Basic programming language: who uses this ???), the educational system which was designed to groom and enlighten the already gifted mines of humans, has fallen short of its purpose in Nigeria.

Although, some might dispute the fact stated above, with an argument that it depends on the choice of institution, but with testimonies from highly rated institutions in the country, no need for further ado.

Educating the mind is an essential part of human life that separates a literate from an illiterate. But school is not the only place to learn, although it is most preferred and referred.

In Nigeria, crises experienced by students in the educational system might just be the reason why non of our academic institutions are ranked among the world’s top 500 universities.

Just to mention a few of these problems:
‘I get leg’ (you don’t need brilliance to gain admission or pass examinations); special centres (only for those who know their way), ‘Money talks bullshit walks’ (if you dont have money please stay at home, education is not for the poor).

These unfair acts have become a routine at almost every level of learning, including primary education, sadly.

Most times I’ve asked students (University/College) why they picked their course of study, and 80% answers depicted that they were in school just for the certificate, with an uncertainty for the future.

“I don’t know. It’s all about the certificate. Just get the paper and hustle after school,” a student said.

Well, its difficult faulting the student’s statement as we see graduates who studied Biology or Botany working at our Banks.

If most students don’t have an idea of what they are doing in school, then what exactly is happening at the Universities.

Below are the laments of some students in Universities based on their everyday experiences (for some reasons I decided not to mention the schools and student names);

–”I am a 300 level computer science student and we are barely allowed to touch a computer or use the computer laboratory. I owe myself the obligation of self development.”

–”Classrooms are most times over populated and not even conducive for fishes in a tin of sardine. Not to mention the ever shrieking asthmatic engine generator that generates much smoke, leaving you at a point of lethargy.”

–”Some Lecturers just come to class, give you a handbook and disappear until examination day. It’s all left to us to study. The handbooks are a compulsory buy if you want to graduate as estimated.”

–”I am tired of school. Some lecturers just give students outrageous projects to work on. One of my friends was asked to build an ATM machine.”

Against all the odds, youths still strive to be enlightened without the walls of knowledge. Why? It’s not like their future is determined by school. Yes, it isn’t; neither are they guaranteed jobs at graduation or a life worth craving for in a country where almost nothing is working except chaos and corruption.

It must be said that success is not entirely associated with your educational level as many have made it big in life without graduating college [William Henry “Bill” Gates III, Mark Zuckerberg, Tuface Idibia, Johnny Depp, late Steve Jobs, Albert Einstein, Cosmos Maduka (Coscharis group), Colonel Sanders (KFC), Mary Kay Ash (Mary Kay cosmetics), Orji Uzor Kalu etc.].

The above mentioned influential personals may later have gone back to school to complete their education, but that was after attaining success; it can as well be said that it was to fulfil all righteousness and societal dictum.

“I have nothing against education. But at times, education gives people false confidence. It makes people relax, trusting in the power of their certificates rather than in working hard.” – Rasaq Okoya (Eleganza Plaza)

Every human has a gift in which success is embedded. School or without School, with God and the right people, success is guaranteed.

In this age and time, its what you do with that mass of neurons that stands out than the certificates you hang on your wall.

“School is not the true test of success. However, educating your mind is essential.” :)

When ‘fun’ goes sour

Celebrating birthdays while in secondary school meant going home drenched in water.

We don’t know who invented the act of drenching celebrants (Water Bath a.k.a Inventory X) but we all accepted it like men who have been wandering the desert for days and suddenly stumble on an ocean. O_o

I had friends who went through such embarrassing but fun filled moments. Fortunately, I never did because my birthday was and is always on a holiday (December 26th :D ).

Graduating from Secondary School (High School), and gaining admission into a higher institution (University/College), the thought of Inventory X vanished from my head, so did”Kolo”(or torose, but no English meaning), Table soccer,”Egbon”(check Yoruba dictionary), Game centre, Stand-still,”I like you thing”etc.

Never would I have thought that a seemingly harmless Inventory X would be the cause of an untimely demise.

By the way, if you didn’t partake in any of the activities mentioned above; NA WA for your childhood o.

The 29th of August won’t be easily forgotten by Miss Omodesola Olusoji, as it marked her birthday and also a near death experience for her.

Little Miss Omodesola, a fresher at Yaba College of Technology, Business Administration department, must have woken up on that bright and wonderful day feeling elated and excited; nothing could go wrong in her mind.

Birthday girl was turning 17 on this faithful day, when tragedy struck. Just as the ritual of Inventory X, friends chased and gathered around her like a pick pocket at mushin market who was about to face jungle justice. Everyone brought out their artilleries of water; 2litres, 10 litres, 15 litres etc. and baptised her like she just became born again.

A friend of hers who felt she was missing out on the fun hurried to her hostel to grab a keg she felt contained water… and there!!! hell was let loose.

The container which contained something arguably an identical twin of H2O, was a corrosive liquid meant for Entrepreneurship Development Project. There went the birthday fun, Lil Miss Omodesola’s face (rendered her partially blind) and some parts of her skin.

The question on everyone’s lips was, how on earth did Mr corrosive liquid (probably caustic soda) find its way into the girls hostel. Well, we know how school is…lecturers give you projects to do. Just maybe the student who owned Mr Corrosive was required to make Soap (caustic soda is one of its components) and she decided to keep it safe in her hostel knowing there are potential thieves everywhere in school.

Howbeit, I will blame this incident on Inventory X, and whoever the inventor is, should take full responsibility.

The culprit who administered the the wrong amount of corrosive liquid dosage on B-Day girl meant no harm and it was just a case of ‘fun gone sour’.

The unlucky and remorseful culprit was dismissed from school the next day and Miss Omodesola who is now at Lagos University Teaching Hospital (LUTH), is recuperating and responding to treatment.

However, It must be said that there are some ‘fun’ we should learn to outgrow.

Aluumi9ja: Aluuminising Nigeria

Aluuminising Nigeria simply means putting an end to everything that is holding back the country’s progress.

The word aluuminising is coined out of one of the most popular words on the lips of Nigerians, Aluu; which means the act of putting an abrupt end to anything good or bad without hesitation. While Aluu (Naija English) means inhumane act; or of without mercy.
Other forms of the word are aluuminise, aluuminised, aluuminisation.

The origin of the word can be traced back to October 5, 2012 when indigenes of a particular community in Port Harcourt, Rivers state, defiled the laws of love and humanity to massacre four students in cold blood. The word has since then been used as a threat to anyone who refuses to behave his/herself.

Examples:

· Due to poor officiating by Referee Mark Clattenburg, Mikel Obi has urged the English FA to send Mark to aluu.

· Dimeji is a Bank-Ole and should be aluuminised.

· The secret brain behind Globacom telecommunications, who also wanted to run for presidency in 2010, deserves aluuminisation.

You know, I have brainstormed for weeks but yet to find an understanding why the people of that community acted in such manner and only just recently came up with an explanation for their ill behaviour.

You see, the word “Alu” in my native home, is a word associated with abomination. Anyone, whom the word is used on, is usually an outcast (not accepted among other humans). So, I would say the ancestors of the village called Aluu in Port Harcourt may have probably been expatriates from my home town and decided to find a habitat for themselves in a bush area which later developed into a community in the city of Port Harcourt.

In fear of rejection by people, they decided to add an extra “U” to their name and there the village ALUU came into existence.

These people, who displayed the act of animalism on four youths of the village, who were later known to be the #ALUU4, have since then been blacklisted by Nigerians and many of them may find it difficult gaining admission into schools or securing jobs (If I were a native, I would go and swear an affidavit for a little tweak on my birth certificate).

But wait a minute; let us be considerate in our thoughts towards these people. Perhaps, the name of this community had a big part to play in the manner in which they treated their very own brothers. You know it is said that “a good name is better than gold”.

Albeit, let us temper justice with mercy. We shouldn’t judge
the whole community because a handful of them acted inhumanely, but rather I think they need prayers, as it might be an ancestral curse which was embedded in their name… perhaps!

Although, the word aluu has become associated with anything
bad, I would like us to take a break and look on the positive impact of this word as I believe there’s always a good side to any bad situation.

For instance, wouldn’t it be a graceful happening for Nigerians if corruption was totally aluuminised with all propitiators given an irrational share of what the #ALUU4 experienced?

Wouldn’t it be a thing of joy if we were to wake up one day to hear that someone, somewhere, somehow had administered the right dosage of aluuminisation on every cabal at the administrative helms of Nigeria?

Well, I’m still waiting for the day when we will employ the bravery of Ghana’s notorious Rawlings and do away with our hopeful hopelessness by deleting all forms of cabal on our fatherland.

“When hope becomes the captain, inaction has been employed
as the coach.”

FYI: There is a possibility that the writer of this piece
was under the influence of alcohol while typing and all aforementioned names are auto completions done by #Swype. I take no responsibility for any names mentioned. Thank you!